Following the Darkness
by ChloChlo1989
Summary: With a vow to avenge his Captain, by putting an end to his murderer, Spock sprinted after Khan, unknowing of the Chief Medical Officer's success with reviving a Tribble using Khan's blood- a way to save his Captain. A way to save Jim. *Complete*
1. Chapter 1

**This chapter was posted as a oneshot under the title of 'Fading to Grey', just to see what kind of preliminary response I could get. Thank you to my best friend, Kayleigh, for reading through this story, as she did with 'Dreams of Another Life', to see if there were any corrections to be made, but if there are still some, please let me know in the reviews.**

 **I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter One**

His body jolted, along with his colleagues, as the ship stabilised and finally ascended, emerging above the surrounding clouds. His colleagues released drawn out breaths, which were identified by himself as what humans refer to as 'sighs of relief'. Smiles overtook all of their features, as they informed the Acting Captain of the ships now stabilised status.

"Mr Spock, altitude stabilising," informed Lieutenant Sulu.

"It's a miracle," said the Acting Navigator, in relief.

"There are no such things," Spock corrected, as the seat belt on the Captain's chair retreated, and he skimmed through all of his knowledge of the USS Enterprise to figure out how the ship had managed to regain power and stabilise.

When a message from engineering came through on the Captain's chair panel, Spock accepted it immediately, expecting a damage report.

"Engineering to bridge," Lieutenant Montgomery Scott's voice rang out. "Mr Spock?"

"Mr Scott."

"Sir, you'd better get down here," The Chief Engineer suggested. "Better hurry".

The underlying urgency in his tone caused the First Officer to jump out of the chair and sprint to the door, barely registering that he had run into Nyota. As he entered the turbolift and pressed the deck for engineering, Spock could not help but wonder where the Captain was, a feeling of dread, which he would never admit to, settling in his abdomen.

* * *

As Spock reached the correct deck, he resumed sprinting to engineering, until he saw the grief on the Chief Engineer's face, which caused his sprint to decrease to a slow walk. The dread in his stomach grew exponentially.

Once he reached him, the engineer just shook his head, defeat overtaking his facial features.

Instinctively, Spock looked towards the warp core and rushed towards it. Upon seeing his Captain crawling towards the door, his breathing faltered, and he minutely shook his head in disbelief.

"Open it," Spock ordered the engineer, his own logic fading.

"The decontamination process is not complete, you'd flood the whole compartment," Responded the engineer, grief evident in his voice. "The door's locked, sir."

Looking back towards the door, Spock's breathing remained slightly laboured and irregular. Shaking his head minutely again, he lowered himself to a crouch to be closer to his Captain, who had reached the door. His laboured breathing and fatigue informed Spock of cell irradiation. In a futile attempt, Spock patted the door between them twice, willing it to disappear, so that he could touch him, comfort him or even save him. But upon the realisation that he could do none of these, Spock's control began to collapse. Logic no longer seemed important to him, for he wanted to open the door, regardless of the damage it would cause, just to be close to his Captain.

As Kirk reached up to close the decontamination door, Spock followed his movement, savouring the remaining energy in his Captain, simply staring at him as he regained his breath from the strain the minor gesture had caused.

As cerulean eyes met his brown ones, Spock's breathing faltered once again, his lacrimal glands began to secrete what human biology refers to as 'tears' into his eyes.

"How's our ship?" Asked the Captain, breathily.

"Out of danger," Spock responded, his voice thick with emotion. "You saved the crew."

"You used what he wanted against him," admired the young Captain, much too young to be dying, as his breathing became heavier. "That was a nice move."

"It is what you would have done."

"And this, this is what you would have done," The truth in his statement was the final straw, as disbelief and shock overtook his own features, his control beginning to crumble rapidly. "It was only logical."

Spock's wet eyes flitted over his Captain's face and chest, as his mind calculated that his Captain was correct, cursing himself for the situations not being reversed. Cursing the logic that he had followed and supported his entire life as a Vulcan. His Captain- Jim, should not be here, should not be dying. It should have been himself.

As his eyes moved back up to meet blue ones, he saw the laboured attempt at a smile from Jim, his eyes red and his face beginning to pale.

"I'm scared, Spock, help me not to be," requested Kirk, causing the tears contained in Spock's eyes to begin cascading down his face, at the heart-breaking realisation that not only could he not save him, but he could not comfort him in his final moments.

"How do you choose not to feel?" Asked Kirk, his tone filled with disbelief, his eyes breaking away from Spock's, who was shaking his head.

"I do not know, right now I am failing," admitted Spock, the grief in his tone unmissable, as Kirk looked at him in shock, before he smiled as much as the energy remaining in his body allowed.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die," Jim spoke, determined. "Why I went back for you."

"Because you are my friend," Spock responded immediately, a tear falling from his face on to the floor beneath him, the beginnings of an irregular puddle of loss and despair.

Kirk's face fell at the words, his eyes moving away from Spock, as he struggled to speak.

Reaching out, Kirk used the last remnants of his energy to place his hand on the barrier between them, in an attempt to get as close to him as possible. Spock returned the gesture, without hesitation, but did so slowly, as he feared this moment's end. He feared the loss of his friend. The loss of Jim.

Placing his hand on the clear door, Spock's hand formed a Vulcan salute out of respect and admiration for his Captain's victory and subsequent sacrifice. Had he known what the cadet, who hacked the Kobayashi Maru, would become, he would not have assumed him to be as arrogant and selfish as his facade appeared. Underneath his challenging behaviour, stood a confident, selfless captain, and a deeply caring individual, whom Spock was proud to call his friend.

In a moment, Kirk returned the gesture, fitting their left hands together more accurately, despite the glass barrier. Looking back at Jim, with tears cascading down his normally stoic face, he saw him smiling blissfully at their almost touching hands, his own tears beginning to form before his face fell again and the smile disappeared. Kirk returned his eyes to Spock's face, as their hands remained in place, unmoving.

After a few short moments, Kirk's breathing began to falter, causing Spock to place his right hand on the door between them, in an attempt to once again remove the barrier in the futile hope that it would simply no longer be present.

As Kirk's tears began to fall, his face formed a bittersweet smile, that Spock urged to reach out and touch, to bloom the smile of happiness he always saw when the Captain first walked on to the bridge. However, a moment later, the bittersweet smile disappeared from his face, as he expelled his final breath and his eyes left Spock's, becoming unfocused. His uniquely cerulean eyes faded into a grey nothing, leaving behind a shallow shell of what once was a deep expanse of ocean and sky, both mysterious and beautiful in their own right.

Spock attempted to press harder on the glass, as Kirk's hand fell from its position, leaving Spock's to press against the glass alone- leaving Spock alone.

After a moment, Spock's hands fell from the glass door in defeat upon the realisation that Jim was lost to this world, causing more tears began to form. Looking away, Spock's breathing became even more uncontrolled, as he struggled to process the loss of his Captain- of Jim.

He faintly heard the soft tears of the Chief Engineer, as Nyota ran up beside him, her own sobs forming shortly after.

As Spock attempted to calculate the cause of such trauma, he avoided making eye contact with his deceased Captain, the grief and subsequent crumbled remains of his shields scattered like shattered glass in every gap of his mindscape, simultaneously distorting it while causing a stabbing pain in every inch of it.

His breathing increased, as he realised who was at fault, who had killed his Captain, who had caused him to lose Jim forever.

 _Khan._

Anger overwhelmed him, the shattered glass of his shields becoming a multitude of daggers in his mind, directed at one individual.

"KHAN!" He screamed in rage, before jumping to his feet, once again sprinting past Nyota, barely registering her presence, as he attempted to reach the bridge.

* * *

"Spock," whispered Nyota, as she stared at him cautiously in the turbolift.

"This lift appears faulty," Responded Spock, urgency evident in his voice, with a deep undertone of grief, as he proceeded to illogically press the 'Bridge' button again and again. "It is moving much slower than is its usual."

"Spock, it is moving at its usual speed."

"It is not."

"Spock..."

"It is not moving efficiently."

"Spock, I-"

"IT IS NOT MOVING FAST ENOUGH!" Yelled Spock, his eyes still fixed intently on the turbolift doors, missing Lieutenant Uhura's flinch.

As the turbolift doors finally began to open, Spock speeded out of them before they fully opened, as he ordered the crew to find out if his target was still living. As much as the anger coursing through his body wished him to be deceased, he wanted him to be alive just so that he could be the one to avenge his Captain- Jim.

After several minutes, Spock had beamed down the quad of Starfleet Headquarters, his attention immediately focusing on his intended target, as he predatorily turned his head.

With a vow to avenge his Captain, by putting an end to his murderer, Spock sprinted after Khan, unknowing of the Chief Medical Officer's success with reviving a Tribble using Khan's blood- a way to save his Captain. A way to save Jim.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Two**

As Spock entered the private room, his gaze immediately settled upon the blonde-haired individual lying in the bed in the corner, the beeping of the electrocardiogram causing the tension in Spock's shoulders to dim slightly, a huff of breath leaving his lips.

"Oh, God, not you again," the southern accent of the doctor interrupted the silence.

"Doctor McCoy, surely you know that I am not what humans refer to as 'God'."

"You might want to turn down the sass, this is my territory, and I can give you a hypospray for being a pain in the ass."

"Surely, if you are experiencing pain in your gluteal muscles, you should administer a hypospray to yourself, not me."

"God, give me strength."

"I cannot provide that to you, Doctor."

"Thought you said you weren't God?" questioned the Doctor, annoyance overtaking his features.

"I am, as humans would put it 'playing along'," Spock quipped, receiving a huff and an eye-roll from the Doctor.

"It was a saying," the doctor finalised. "Why are you here?"

"I am simply checking on the Captain's status. As First Officer, it is my duty to ensure his safety."

"Yeah, I'm sure duty doesn't require you to visit and annoy me thirty times in two weeks. You've visited three times a day, Spock. If anything changes, you will be the first one I comm."

"I find checking in person to be more satisfying, thank you, Doctor."

As the doctor left to talk to a nurse just outside the door, Spock overheard his mumbling about 'lovesick teenagers', which made no sense under the present circumstances, so was therefore ignored by Spock.

Alone, Spock stepped closer to the bed, placing two fingers briefly on the individual's wrist, only releasing once he found a pulse. He had taken to visiting his Captain every eight hours, only meditating in between. Sleep did not come to him easily, and he could not bring himself to eat, settling for tea instead. In the last ten days, Spock had been restless, counting down the milliseconds until he would check on Jim again. The other four days were the first in the two weeks when he refused to leave his Captain alone in sickbay. Doctor McCoy had argued that he needed sleep and rest, but upon Spock's ignorance of his advice, he had sedated him with a hypospray, which he had not seen coming due to his attention being focused solely on Jim. Transported back to his own temporary quarters, which were available to the Enterprise crew for the time period before the Enterprise was recommissioned, Spock awoke to discover that Doctor McCoy had listed him to only be able to visit during visiting hours, employing Nyota's help to force Spock to at least eat and sleep.

"I can see the bags under your eyes," she had started carefully.

"Sleep has not come easily to me these past few days."

"It has been a very difficult mission, which resulted in many fatalities," she pointed out, tears forming in her eyes.

"It indeed has," Spock responded quietly, causing Nyota to reach out and touch his shoulder, only for Spock to startle, flinching away from her touch. Her hand hovered for a few seconds before she withdrew it, tears beginning to fall does her cheeks.

"Nyota," Spock whispered. "I apologise."

"I understand."

"Nyota, I-"

"No," she interrupted, standing up from where they had been sitting on the sofa. "I understand. When I saw you in the warp core..."

Just the mention of anything with connotations to that incident caused Spock to flinch and revert even deeper into his stoic self.

"Your reaction...to what happened..." she trailed off again, before taking a deep breath. "It was deeper than I have ever seen, even for your mother. I understand that the shock of her sudden loss delayed your emotional response, but your response to Kirk... I saw how much you care for him, even if you deny it."

"I do care for him, Nyota. As his First Officer, it is my duty-"

"It is not your duty to love him," she accused, facing him as tears continued to run down her cheeks.

"I do not."

"But you do," she nodded, causing tears to fall from her jawline to her lap.

At Spock's silence, she sighed, before leaving his quarters.

Now, after hours of meditating, Spock stood next to Jim.

As the heart monitor began to beep more frequently, the detected heartbeat becoming irregular, Spock ran to the door to request the doctor's presence. Running back in, McCoy released a sigh of relief, as Spock stayed by the door.

"He's waking up."

"Are you sure?"

"I think so, yes."

After a few moments, Jim's startled awake, his cerulean eyes back to the same unique shade of blue that mesmerised Spock, even from where he stood. After mildly panicking for a few seconds, Spock recognised Jim's moment of realisation that he was alive, as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Looking at his surroundings, Jim found the doctor next to him.

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic," scolded the doctor, running a tricorder over his face. "You were barely dead."

Despite the doctor's words, Spock noticed that as he said the final word, he could not look at Jim. It also did not escape Spock's notice that the doctor's hands were shaking ever so slightly.

"The transfusion really took its toll," Doctor McCoy continued, causing Jim to frown and look at him in confusion. "You were out cold for two weeks."

"Transfusion?" Jim croaked, his eyes now half open.

"Your cells were heavily irradiated," replied the doctor, checking his heart. "We had no choice."

Again, Spock noticed the doctor look away at the mention of the _incident_.

"Khan?" Questioned Kirk, quietly.

"Once we caught him, I synthesised a serum from his..." Doctor McCoy paused briefly, unsure how to label it. "Super blood. Tell me, are you feeling err homicidal, power-mad, despotic?"

"No more than usual," Kirk responded to the humour, amusement gracing his features ever so slightly. "How'd ya catch him?"

"I didn't," Doctor McCoy answered, stepping aside to the other side of the bed, allowing Spock to take a few steps forward into view, hands clasped behind his back.

As soon as Jim saw Spock, he smiled, causing Spock to use all of his control to keep his emotions appropriate for a Vulcan.

"You saved my life," Jim spoke, grateful.

"Uhura and I had something to do with it too, you know," interrupted the doctor, causing Jim to quirk an eyebrow and give him a side look of amusement.

"You saved my life, Captain," Corrected Spock. "And the lives of-"

"Spock, just," Jim interrupted. "Thank you."

"You are welcome, Jim," responded Spock, the edges of his mouth quirking up in a slight smile, causing Jim to return the smile.

"Well, kid, your vitals appear normal, but I'm gonna keep you in for observation."

"Great, for how long?" Jim sarcastically questioned the doctor, his face a contrast of understanding and annoyance.

"A few weeks," Responded Doctor McCoy. "Let's see how it goes. I don't know if there could be more after effects from the serum."

"Okay, Bones."

As Doctor McCoy left the room to retrieve a hypospray, Jim looked back at Spock, his blue eyes flitting over his face.

"You don't look like you've slept much," Jim pointed out. "To be honest, for you, you look like crap."

"Although vanity is a despised trait, I find offence with your words."

"Spock," Jim interrupted, smiling before concern overwhelmed his features. "When did you last sleep?"

At Spock's silence and refusal to meet his eyes, Jim sighed.

"You need to sleep."

"I need meditation."

"Sleep," Jim corrected, causing Spock to release a huff of breath, which Jim identified as a sigh.

"Did you miss me?" Jim asked after a few moments of silence, an undertone of mirth in his voice.

"Exponentially," Spock immediately whispered in response, before his control snapped back in to place and he realised that his shoulders had sagged as he remembered the events of the past two weeks. Standing up straight, he looked back at Jim but avoided his eyes.

"Spock..."

"Captain, if you'll excuse me-"

"Spock, wait."

"I need to meditate."

"Spock."

"As humans often say 'get well soon'."

"Spock!" Jim shouted as much as his coarse throat would allow, causing him to wince, as the half Vulcan in question strode out of the room.

"What's up with the hobgoblin?" Asked Bones as he returned, hypospray in hand.

"No idea," Jim answered, wincing again as Bones administered the hypospray. "He must have missed me."

"You can say that again, he did visit you about thirty times in the last two weeks," the response wiped the amusement off of Jim's face, replaced with shock.

"Thirty times!" He croaked, wincing again at the pain in his throat before the hypospray began to soothe it.

"Yup, and from what Uhura told me, you mean a lot to him, kid."

"Thirty times..." Jim whispered to himself, as he looked away and out of the window, his mind briefly showing him the image of Spock crying as he died, before he quickly chastised him subconsciously, pushing the memory and anything related to that _incident_ to the back of his mind, before sleep overtook him again.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Three**

"Bones, it's been a month," Kirk whined.

"The world doesn't revolve around you, you know."

"You said he visited me as much as possible while I was asleep," Kirk continued, ignoring Bones' comment.

"He did, but I have to admit, you're easier to be around when you're out of it."

Kirk just rolled his eyes, huffing, but gave a small smile of amusement.

Since he woke up six weeks ago, he had spent a further two weeks in sickbay under observation. Spock had visited him once a day, checking his vitals himself, annoying Bones immensely, and made small talk. Since he had been discharged, Kirk hadn't seen him in person once, only when he checked on Kirk through comm message every two days. Even after being given his own temporary quarters on the same floor and corridor as Spock's, Jim never saw him. He had given in to temptation a few times, knocking on the door, but after five minutes, Jim knew he wasn't going to answer. If he was, he'd have practically flown to the door, given his Vulcan speed and senses. Whenever chess night was held in Spock's quarters, he would open the door within three seconds. More accurately, 3.21 seconds, as the Vulcan probably would have corrected. Great, now Jim was mocking his First Officer's habits in his head.

Honestly, Jim missed him. He missed his friend. It was driving Jim insane, and subsequently, driving Bones mad.

"Kid, he has work to do, you know."

"But Bones-"

"I don't know what to tell ya. You need to talk to Spock. Now get out of my sickbay, you've spent enough time in here as it is. Talking of which, you got a full night's sleep yet? You don't look like it."

"Nah, but it's okay."

"Look, I wish I could give you something to sleep, but it doesn't help that your immune system is allergic to practically everything."

"I know," Kirk replied with a grateful smile, remembering the allergic reaction from the first week when he didn't sleep at all.

"Go talk to him, kid," Bones continued. "It might help."

"Won't you miss me?" Questioned Kirk, mock grief in his tone.

"I think I'll survive without you, until this evening," Bones replied confidently.

At his response, Kirk placed a hand on his chest, faking intense pain.

"Maybe I should give you a hypo for that heart-break," Bones smirked, as he started to advance on his best friend.

"Nope, I'm good," Smirked Kirk, running out of the doors. "See ya later, Bones!"

* * *

"You cannot keep avoiding him, Spock."

"Nyota," Spock began. "I am not avoiding him. I am simply meditating after a very difficult mission to rebuild my shields. It is necessary for me to regain full control over my functions and emotions."

"You're avoiding him to do so."

"I am not-"

"You are."

During the past month, Spock had not been able to visit Jim in person. His shields were practically destroyed during the mission, therefore Spock has been using all of his free time to meditate. Rebuilding his shields had been a difficult endeavour, he metaphorically had to do so 'brick by brick' as the human saying went. Even after the destruction of Vulcan, and the loss of his mother, his shields had not been as damaged as they had been from the previous mission.

"Spock, please-" Nyota began before she was interrupted by a knock at the door of Spock's quarters.

"Oh, Spockkkkkkk," Jim sang out.

Startled, Spock rushed to the door and pressed the button for it to open. Upon opening, it revealed a very drunk Kirk, followed by Doctor McCoy running to catch up to his friend, breathing laboured and forehead coated in sweat.

"Spockkk," Jim drawled, eyes half-lidded, before pushing past Spock, into his quarters, followed by Spock's confused gaze.

"Doctor?" Spock questioned, moving his gaze from Jim, now sitting on the sofa in a daze, to the breathless doctor.

"Kid got drunk over your stupid ass, and managed to run here without getting run over," McCoy replied breathily.

"As Chief Medical Officer, should you not have been ensuring the Captain did not get into a state of intoxication?" Spock question coolly, head tilted, as he clasped his arms behind his back.

"Oh no, don't turn this around on me, he's in this state because you won't see him. The kid was doing shot after shot, and when I tried to stop him he just carried on."

"Oh, Spock," Jim drawled from the sofa, before rising unsteadily and turning to face him. Taking steps towards him, he bumped into Nyota having been ignorant to her presence. Once he reached Spock, he pressed his forefinger into Spock's sternum. "You've been avoiding me."

"You are mistaken, I have not for I-"

"Oh, shut up," Jim suddenly shouted. "I don't want to hear your excuses, I've had enough disappointment in my life. What's one more?"

At this confession, Jim's sudden anger deflated, wandering back to the sofa.

"Maybe we should leave you two alone," Nyota suggested. "You guys need to talk."

"Perhaps you are right, Nyota."

"Yeah, could do the kid some good."

With that, the doctor and Nyota left the former mumbling about wishing he had brought a sedative hypospray out with him. Spock closed the door behind them, facing it for several seconds before turning cautiously. Jim had sagged on the sofa, legs up on the coffee table, eyes wandering the brief contents of his First Officer's quarters.

Spock approached cautiously, before sitting on the same sofa, a noticeable gap between them.

"You're avoiding me," Jim spoke after several minutes of silence, his voice breaking slightly, his gaze facing the ceiling as his head lolled back against the sofa.

"I have not, I have been meditating after the _Khan_ incident," defended Spock, the name coming out as a growl, while Jim flinched at its mention. "The difficulty of that particular mission caused extensive damage to my shields."

"You're avoiding me," Jim repeated.

"No, I-"

"Yes, you are," Jim interrupted, his voice breaking again as he leaned forward, frustrated, before turning to look at Spock. The pain in his blue eyes was unmissable, filled with tears, with dark circles beneath. The sight caused a sharp pain in Spock's side, near his heart, which made no scientific sense.

"When did you last sleep, Jim?"

"When did you?" Jim countered.

"Vulcans need less sleep than humans."

"Doesn't explain why you look exhausted," Jim challenged. "I know how to read you, Spock."

"Why have you been avoiding me?" Jim questioned after a period of silence.

"As I have said before, I-"

"No," Jim interrupted. "I understand your need to meditate, really I do, but it didn't stop you from seeing Uhura. I know she's your girlfriend, but when you cried when I died, I actually thought you cared. Cared more than just a First Officer. All I want is my friend."

His words hurt, just the mention of his temporary death alone was enough to cause both to simultaneously flinch.

"You are right," Spock responded carefully, avoiding Jim's searching gaze. "As your First Officer, it is my duty to protect you and ensure your wellbeing."

"So, I'm just a responsibility to you," Jim questioned, evidently hurt.

"I was not finished, Jim. As your friend, I should have been there for you, been someone you could talk to. I have failed you both as your First Officer and as your friend, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I will understand if you wish for me to be transferred to another ship, or report me for negligence, or even terminate our friendship."

Sighing, Jim rose from his seat slightly, before shuffling closer, until their shoulders touched briefly.

"To be fair, it's not like I went out of my way to help you either."

"It is not your duty to."

"I'm your friend, I should have. It shouldn't depend upon duty. I think I was just scared to," Jim laughed nervously, looking away from Spock briefly.

"Scared, Jim?" Spock questioned, his brown eyes finally reaching Jim's blue ones. "You should never be scared of me."

"No, I mean," Jim replied. "Scared of remembering..."

As he trailed off, his eyes became out of focus, looking in the direction of the corner of the room.

"You have been experiencing nightmares?" Spock questioned, gaze flitting over his face showing the characteristics of exhaustion.

"Yeah," Jim replied, nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

"If I may, Captain-"

"Jim," Jim corrected with a small smile.

"Jim, if I may, I can ensure you sleep without any nightmares."

"But what about you?" Jim questioned, looking back at Spock.

"Vulcans need less sleep than humans," Spock countered, earning him an eye-roll from Jim.

"You need to sleep at some point too, you know."

"I will do so when necessary."

"Okay," Jim yawned, dropping his head on to the back of the sofa.

"Jim, perhaps you should take the bed," Spock suggested, which proved to be futile, as Jim was already asleep, light snores escaping him.

Copying his position, Spock lay his head against the back of the sofa, turning it to look at the blonde next to him. He looked so peaceful as he slept, the rise and fall of his chest allowing Spock to relax. After only a few minutes, the serenity of his face turned in to a scowl, as a whimper of pain escaped his lips. Without hesitation, Spock reached out, placing his fingers on the blonde's meld points, briefly seeing the warp core of the Enterprise before pushing the nightmare away, returning him to a calming, dreamless sleep. With a peaceful sleep ensured, Spock lifted his neck from the back of the sofa, deciding that this position would be uncomfortable for the young Captain once he woke up. He contemplated carrying him to the bed and meditating himself, but he did not want to risk waking the clearly exhausted man.

Deciding to get him a blanket, Spock began to rise, only for Jim to move over in his sleep, resting his head against Spock's right shoulder, essentially weighing him down. Hesitantly, Spock wrapped his arm around the blonde, an unexpected wave of affection coursing through him, as his other hand moved his blonde hair out of his eyes.

"Goodnight, Jim," Spock whispered, resting his own head on top of Jim's, ordering the lights to zero per cent, as sleep began to claim himself.

And for the first night in two months, both men slept for the whole night, without the aid of medication.

* * *

 **Please Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Four**

Opening his eyes, blue eyes blinked a few times before noticing the unfamiliarity with the room around him. Jumping from his slumped position to his feet, Jim swayed slightly before settling on his feet, turning to face the place he had just risen from.

"Jim?" Spock questioned, a frown on his face in a moment of vulnerability before his usual stoic expression returned, leaving only a slight crinkle between his eyebrows.

"Sorry, I..." Jim trailed, anxiously. "I didn't recognise where I was."

Scratching the back of his neck, nervously, his eyes skimmed over every part of the room, paying particular attention to the dark, hardwood floors of the apartment.

"Jim," Spock spoke cautiously, rising to a standing position, as though Jim was a small, timid creature. "It is okay. You are safe."

Reaching out, he placed his hand on Jim's shoulder, withdrawing it immediately when the blonde flinched. The concern and disappointment of his reaction must have been evident on his face, for when the blonde took a minute glance at his face, he took a step back before the tide in his ocean eyes began to rise.

"Spock, I'm sorry, I...I," Jim trailed again, running his hands through his blonde hair in distress.

Taking a step towards him, Spock opened his arms, offering Jim a human gesture, which he had seen his colleagues, and even his mother, use in times of social comfort. Spock waited, his arms outstretched, allowing Jim to accept the gesture himself, for fear of distressing him further.

Upon opening his eyes, Jim noticed the gesture, his shoulders sagging. Taking a shaky step forward, Jim slumped into Spock's arms, breaking down into sobs as he felt Spock tighten his arms around him. Pressing his face into the slightly taller, Vulcan's shoulder, Spock lay his head in the crook of Jim's neck.

They stayed stood like that for several minutes until Jim's sobs had subsided. As Jim made to pull away, he was surprised to feel the Vulcan tighten his arms minutely, effectively keeping him in place for several more moments. Jim could not remember the last time he had been held, the gesture causing him to release a content sigh, his eyes closing momentarily.

Finally, the Vulcan's arms went slack, as they released Jim and stepped back, out of his personal space.

"I am sorry, Captain," Spock spoke, gaze focused on the floor. "You were in distress and I saw no other appropriate way to relieve it."

"Spock, it's okay, I'm glad you didn't nerve pinch me or something," Jim spoke, a flash of amusement in his voice. "And it's Jim."

"Jim," Spock spoke quietly. "A nerve pinch would be detrimental to your trust towards me, and as your First Officer, we need to trust each other."

"Right," Jim responded, failing at masking the disappointment that had reached his face. "Your duty."

"I have upset you," Spock identified.

"No, no," Jim responded defensively, as he made his way towards the door.

"Jim," Spock called out, as the blonde walked away.

"I'll see you later, Spock," Jim responded, effectively ignoring the Vulcan's call. "And sorry about last night."

"I-" Spock began, silenced as the door shut behind Jim.

Sitting back in his position on the sofa, Spock let out a huff of breath, resting his head against the back of the sofa, the way Jim had done the previous night. Closing his eyes, Jim's cologne reached his nostrils and he felt himself overwhelmed with a feeling of loss towards his absence.

Rising again, Spock made his way to his bedroom, determined to meditate. Since the _incident_ in the Warp Core, Spock's shields had been weak, even more so in Jim's presence. But as Spock fell into a meditative trance, he could not help but think of how the Captain had felt asleep on his shoulder, how his soft, blonde locks had felt against his fingertips.

* * *

"You were right," Jim whispered, the words causing Bones to look at him as though he had gone mad. Jim could already see the cogs turning in his brain, figuring out which hypospray would solve this surge of madness.

"You've gone mad," Bones spoke, incredulously.

"Hobgoblin's don't have feelings," Jim spoke, disappointment evident on his face.

"Kid," Bones responded, exasperated. "I know I say that all the time, but come on, even I can see that Spock cares about you. I have two weeks of evidence to back it up."

"He cares because it is his duty to care," Jim replied. "He said so himself."

"Okay, fine, let me put it this way, when you died," Jim flinched at the word. "He broke regulation by beaming down to beat the crap out of Khan," Jim flinched again. "Leaving the Enterprise without an Acting Captain."

This point left Jim speechless. Spock always used regulation to point out the flaw and errors in Jim's plans. They had argued about him constantly criticising the young Captain's decisions, leading to Spock replying that he 'only did so 87.2% of the time'. _Only_. However, after that argument, the Captain had provided a stalemate.

 _"Spock, listen," he had started. "I know that I am not like other Captain's you have served or been acquainted with. I am rash, impulsive and arrogant, and sometimes I will make decisions that are stupid. I don't need a critique. I need an advisor, someone to help me, not make me feel like a terrible Captain."_

 _As Kirk had spoken, he noticed that the hardness in Spock's eyes had softened, his cool demeanour deflating slightly._

 _"You are not a terrible Captain," he had begun, looking at the floor. "I find that the majority of our missions end successfully, despite statistical improbability. I believe, that despite your young age and inexperience, you are the best individual I have met to be the Captain of the Enterprise."_

 _"But," Kirk began, tears forming in his eyes at his First Officer's unexpected praise. "You always criticise me."_

 _"I did so, because your inexperience causes scepticism amongst Admirality, and I wanted to spare you the human feelings of disappointment and insecurity. However, I can see that I have failed, therefore I understand if you wish me to be transferred, or wish to file charges against me."_

 _"Spock," Kirk had spoken, a small smirk on his face. "Why the hell would I do that?"_

 _"I believe-"_

 _"Spock," Kirk interrupted. "It was rhetorical."_

 _Clapping Spock on the shoulder briefly, Kirk smiled at him._

 _"Perhaps we can try being friends."_

 _"Perhaps we can," Spock had responded, as the Captain left the meeting room he had escorted Spock to after he had verbally disapproved of his decisions on the bridge._

 _As the door shut behind the Captain, he missed Spock standing there for several more moments, before following, the edges of his mouth tilted up slightly._

"I don't know," Jim spoke softly, frowning.

"Neither do I, to be honest, but here we are."

The two sat in a diner, eating breakfast. Jim continued to frown at his pancakes, stabbing them with his fork harsher than necessary. Bones just watched him, eyebrow raised, as he sipped his coffee.

"You look like Spock when you do that," Jim spoke, glancing at his friend briefly, causing Bones to immediately frown.

"I hate you."

"You love me," Jim corrected, earning an exasperated huff from his friend.

When Bones didn't correct him, Jim smirked, earning a small smile from his friend.

"Come on, kid," Bones spoke, as they finished their breakfast. "Let's go."

"Where we going?"

"For a walk, you need the exercise."

Jim just huffed but followed his friend out of the door, whining.

* * *

"You're an idiot."

"Nyota, I do not appreciate that insult," Spock replied, his gaze disapproving. Nyota just looked away, anger overtaking her features, as they stood in his apartment. "I do not know what I am meant to do."

"Well, for one thing, you do not tell Kirk that it was your duty to relieve his distress."

"Why not?" Spock questioned, as she met his eyes again. "It is the truth."

"Because that will make him think that you only calmed him, because it is your job to," Nyota huffed.

"He is my friend," Spock began, frowning slightly. "I disliked seeing him so upset."

"We both know that is not the only reason."

"I do not know what you are referring to."

"You said Vulcans do not lie."

"They do not."

"You're lying to yourself."

"You are incorrect."

"You hugged him because you love him."

"Incorrect."

"When we were dating, you saw me cry. Especially, when my grandmother passed away. But you never hugged me."

Spock stayed silent at her response, unsure of what to say.

"When Kirk died," Nyota continued. "You were furious, you scared me. You wanted to avenge him."

"I wanted to kill Khan," Spock confirmed, growling the name.

"Why?"

"Because he took Jim away from me."

They remained silent in Spock's kitchen for several moments, before Spock looked up to find Nyota looking at him with tears in her eyes.

"You love him," Nyota spoke.

Spock frowned but did not reply, looking down at the tea on the counter.

"I see the way you look at him, the way you do your slightly smile, the way you cried when he died."

Seeing Spock's flinch at the last word, a tear fell down her cheek, as she reached out to take his arm from the other side of the counter. At the touch, Spock looked up to her, tears also present in his own eyes. After several moments, she saw his eyes widen minutely, before looking back towards their tea.

"I believe," Spock spoke into his tea. "That I do hold regard for Jim, beyond friendship."

Nyota just smiled slightly at him, before they resumed silence, drinking their tea. Nyota, pleased that Spock was finally beginning to embrace his feelings, and Spock, frantically searching his mind, analysing all of the times he had conversed with his Captain.

* * *

 **Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Five**

Lying in his bed, Jim rolled on to his side, before sighing as he read the time on his chronometer. 02:37AM. He couldn't sleep. He didn't even want to close his eyes. It had been two and a half months since the _incident_ with the Warp Core. Even the mention of it still caused Jim to grimace.

Rising to a sitting position, the bed sheets fell from his chest to his lap. Releasing another sigh, Jim ran a hand through his blonde hair, messing it up even further. After a moment, he jumped out of bed, padding his way to the bathroom to splash some water on his face. On the Enterprise, they used sonic showers, so to feel water on his skin was a great relief.

Standing at the sink, his hands leaning on either side of the basin, his back slightly hunched as he hung his head. He watched the water drip into the basin from his nose and his chin, before looking up into the mirror. Seeing the paleness of his usual slightly golden skin and the dullness of his eyes, along with the accompanying dark circles beneath them. It scared him. It scared him to see himself so weak and exhausted, all happiness gone from his usually optimistic nature.

Looking back at the bathroom door, for the first time in two and a half months, Jim found himself missing the Enterprise. More specifically, the bathroom he shared with his First Officer. The only times Jim had slept all the way through the night had been with Spock's help, and he could really do with some company right now.

He missed him.

He missed their banter, their chess matches and seeing him every day.

He knew Spock was just down the corridor, a few doors away, but he couldn't bring himself to leave his temporary quarters. Instead, he just collapsed to his knees, before leaning his back against the shower door behind him.

Jim groaned as he woke up the next morning. The nightmare hadn't been as bad as last time, it was just the feeling of nothingness after his sight had been overcome with blackness, just before the remaining life left his body. As he opened his eyes, he instantly raised a hand to his head, moaning as he felt the throbbing pain. Having fallen asleep on the bathroom floor, his whole body ached.

Standing, Jim groaned again, before stretching his arms above his head in an attempt to remove, or at least diminish, the stiffness from his muscles.

Walking back into his bedroom, Jim glanced at the chronometer, which read 06:52AM. At least he had slept longer this time.

After taking a shower and dressing, Jim sat on his sofa, already bored and unsure of what to do today. Bones was covering a shift at the hospital, and he couldn't bear the thought of seeing Spock today. He missed him, but he was too afraid to see him, especially after he had stormed out of his apartment a few days ago.

Sighing, Jim jumped up, grabbed his keys and left his apartment. Walking down the corridor towards the elevator, Jim smelt the slight waft of incense coming from his First Officer's room, something he had smelt the remnants of in his First officer's quarters during their occasionally chess matches, a tell-tale sign of meditation. Having paused in front of his First Officer's door, Jim sighed, before continuing to the elevator and pressing for the ground floor, missing the moving shadow beneath the apartment door as the elevator doors closed.

Walking along the streets, the sounds of hovercars and people talking, either to someone next to them or through their comm, were calming to Kirk. They were normal sounds, which one would encounter in a daily, Terran life.

* * *

Before Kirk knew it, he was at the engineering bay of Starfleet, where the Enterprise was being repaired. He hadn't seen it for over two months, and although his palms shook slightly and felt sweaty at the sight of it, he could still feel the relief of seeing his ship, knowing that his subconscious had guided him to it intentionally.

Hearing a Scottish accent yelling in the background, Kirk smiled, instantly knowing who it was.

"Mr Scott," He spoke, seeing the Scottish man turn, exasperated until he saw who it was. "I trust you are taking good care of her."

"Captain Kirk!" The engineer yelled, walking briskly towards his Captain, before giving him a brief hug. "It's been ages since I've seen ya, lad."

"Sorry, Scotty," Jim replied, slapping him on the back. "Been a bit busy."

"I understand, lad," Scotty replied, his nod and gaze focused back on the ship showing that he understands exactly why Kirk hadn't been to see his ship.

"How are the repairs going?" Kirk asked, after several moments of silence.

"Alright," the Scotch man replied. "We've been updating the warp core."

Kirk flinched again, before nodding.

"Would you like to come aboard her, Captain?" Scotty asked warily.

"Sure," the Captain replied, anxiously. He was going to have to face his fears sooner or later.

* * *

As they stepped into engineering, Kirk's steps falter, causing the Scotsman to be ahead of him. Once Scotty reached the panel, he looked up, noticing Kirk stood still next to the elevator.

"Captain?"

Kirk looked up at him before his eyes settled somewhere over the engineer's right shoulder. But Scotty knew exactly what that 'somewhere' was.

Stepping forward slowly, Scotty saw Kirk's face pale, as the warp core came into sight. Swallowing, the young Captain stepped forward, until he was stood next to the engineer.

"Captain, I-" Scotty began, only to be silenced by a wave of Kirk's hand before he stepped even closer.

Kirk could feel his heartbeat in his ears, before placing his fingertips against the glass door, the familiar coldness causing him to inhale a sharp breath, which was quickly followed by another, and another.

"Jim?" Scotty questioned, stepping closer slowly, before running forward as the Captain fell to his knees, clutching his chest as he breathed rapidly.

As Kirk wheezed on his knees, the engineer attempted to calm him down. Failing, Scotty ran to retrieve his comm from the nearby panel.

"Scotty, what's up?" Doctor McCoy questioned.

"It's the Captain, I think he's having a panic attack."

"Oh, damn, where are you?"

"The warp core of the Enterprise."

"I'll be right there," the Doctor spoke, determined before the comm call went dead.

* * *

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	6. Chapter 6

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Six**

Smelling the incense lit around him, Spock emerged from his meditative trance. He had been meditating since last night, as sleep would not take him.

Looking at the time, it read 16:02PM. This was the second time he had emerged from meditation, the first being at 07:35AM, as heard someone walking down the hall. The familiar pace of those footfalls told him that it was Jim. As he heard him pause in front of his door, Spock rose to stand from his place, seated on the floor. They stood like that for several seconds, before Spock's superior, Vulcan hearing, allowed him to hear Jim sigh and walk to the elevator. Walking towards his door, Spock reached for the button to open it but heard the elevator doors just before he made contact. Sighing, Spock withdrew his hand, before taking a few steps back until he bumped into the sofa. The sofa they had fallen asleep together upon. Spock frowned, feeling empty without Jim's presence, before deciding that he needed to meditate.

He was losing control, without Jim's presence. Ironic, he considered, as his feelings for Jim were the reason he was losing control in the first place.

Placing his hands on his legs, Spock entered a meditative trance.

Spock felt the familiar wave of energy which he always encountered when entering his mindscape. Inside his mind, he opened his eyes, black becoming a myriad of blues and greens. In the valley of his mindscape, the centre was a tree. The tree, similar in appearance to a Terran cherry blossom, the _Prunus serrulata_. However, its colouration was different. The roots and trunk of the tree were a cool green, with irregular grooves lined with a silvery blue. The top of the tree was covered in flower blossoms but were also coloured differently. It appeared as though each blossom was a different colour to its neighbours, some an icy blue, some a warm green, followed by deep cerulean, and then a cool green. Walking closer to it, Spock was aware of the emerald ocean of grass underneath him, reaching out his hand to pluck a verdant bud. Spock felt his physical body frown, as there had never been a blossom that was not blooming for.

Looking back at the core of his mindscape, towards the blooming tree, in order to confirm that no other blossoms had disproved his assumption, Spock found himself mistaken. Reaching out, his hand grasped another bud, a unique cerulean, which had been directly next to the other. Placing them together in the palm of his hand, Spock watched as together the two buds simply rolled towards each other, touching for a moment, before blooming just like the others.

Spock watched in wonder.

"Fascinating," he whispered to himself, before a breeze shot through the tree, carrying some of the blossoms from the tree, directly to Spock, surrounding him in blooming flowers. Unable to see anything but blues and greens, they formed cyan, before the blurred into memories.

 _The white light of the transporter, and the familiar pull of his particles, as he found himself upon the transporter pad. The Captain running into the room, concern clouding his features, instantly turning in to amusement and relief, as the tension in his shoulders left, a bright smile on his face. He had broken regulation to save his life, but he should not have, even if Spock would have done the same. Even though Spock has done the same multiple times prior. But as he analysed the Captain's face, he was confused by the presence of relief that he was alive, an emotion he would not understand until he was informed that the Captain had safely landed upon the Vengeance sometime later._

 _His Captain turning to face him in shock, in Admiral Pike's office. Before turning away in disbelief. He had been honest with Admirality, for it was his fault that the planet's society had been compromised by exposure to the Starship Enterprise. He was the one who his Captain had sought to save. As the admiral dismissed him, Spock had immediately turned to his Captain, but upon seeing his subsequent side glance, and determination to face away from him, Spock had felt lost._

 _Leaving the room, the First Officer had immediately retreated into an empty meeting room nearby, in an efficient attempt to enter a brief meditative trance in order to remove this feeling and return his control to its optimal._

 _Upon his next meeting with Kirk, Spock was surprised to find him angry at him. He had said he was talking to the 'human side' of the Vulcan, a part of himself that everyone else, including him, forgot existed. However, even after this encounter, he did not understand why Kirk had broken regulation to come back for him. He should not have done so. Spock should be deceased._

 _This thought process was interrupted by the introduction of the First Officer's new Captain. A Captain he immediately disliked, despite the prejudistic illogicality of the action, for he was not Kirk. He had stared at the other Captain for a few moments, before reflexively glancing at Kirk, prior to politely responding. As the other Captain had left, Spock had followed him with his eyes, feeling somewhat unsettled with the events unfolding. Turning his gaze back to his Cap- Kirk, he was minutely startled to find blue orbs looking at him, but after a moment they fell away, before returning filled with uncertainty._

 _"The truth is," Kirk had started. "I'm going to miss you."_

 _All Spock could do was stand there in shock, his mouth falling open as he tried to calculate what he should- what he wanted to say in return. Kirk simply raised his eyebrows in amusement at the initial reaction, before closing his eyes and sighing in frustration, walking away from Spock. His chocolate orbs followed Kirk, as he remained where he stood for several more moments, before walking to his seat next to his new Captain._

 _For the duration of the meeting, before Khan had unleashed fire on the Admirality, Spock kept glancing in Kirk's direction, but he never looked at Spock once. Spock had never been told that he would be missed, not since he had left Vulcan for Starfleet. His mother had said she would miss him, but he had not said it back, for it was not the Vulcan way. But as he sat in this meeting, he admitted to himself that he missed her, and at that present moment he was starting to miss Jim._

 _Standing in sickbay, watching Jim's lifeless form in the cryo tube that Doctor McCoy had placed him in to retain his brain function. He stood aside, fists clenched to keep himself from reaching out, as the medical ensigns aided the Doctor in moving Jim's body from the cryo tube and into a bed. In the next available moment, Doctor McCoy has injected the now synthesised serum of Khan's blood into the intravenous apparatus. Watching the scarlet liquid move through the tubes, Spock suppressed a snarl as it reached Jim, for this was the only way to bring him back. Within seven point eight nine minutes, the electrocardiogram began to beep, indicating that a heartbeat was being recorded from the individual it was connected to._

 _Releasing a sigh of relief, in a moment of vulnerability, Spock turned to see Doctor McCoy doing the same before briefly smiling in the First Officer's direction for the first time. And although the smile quickly vanished, Spock found himself struggling to suppress the urge to return it, for they both had their best friend back._

 _After several days, Spock found himself pleased to find that Jim could now breathe without a ventilator, signifying that the serum had now repaired the irradiation of his lung tissue. Without thinking, Spock reached out, clasping the blonde's hand in his own, before holding it up to his face, as he allowed a tear of relief to slide down his fac-._

Gasping, Spock abruptly ended his meditation. Breathing deeply, Spock rose from the sofa only for his knees to buckle, sending him to the floor. Focusing on his breathing, the Vulcan lay down, curling into a ball, as he allowed a revelation to echo off of the hard cavern of his mind.

He was in love with Jim.

* * *

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	7. Chapter 7

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Seven**

"Damn it, Jim."

Outside, a pink glow was settling on the sky, as the sun began to set. Bones had run to the Enterprise, giving Jim a hypospray to calm his breathing. Now, they found themselves in a bar, the nearest on to the Enterprise. It was dark and practically empty, with Terran, indie music playing. But it had alcohol, and that was enough for the both of them.

"Maybe you should consider therapy, kid," Bones spoke slowly, grimacing as he saw Jim's gaze shoot from his drink to the doctor, incredulously. "Okay, bad idea."

Jim just responded by taking a large sip of his drink, a movement followed by his worried friend's eyes.

"I'm worried about you, kid," Bones broke the silence. "You're not sleeping, I'm pretty sure you've lost weight, talking of which, when did you last eat?"

"Yesterday morning," Jim answered, avoiding Bones' eyes. He saw his friend tense in his peripheral vision but refused to meet his eyes. As he heard him rummaging in his pocket, he knew what was coming. His predictions were deemed correct, as a hypospray made contact with his neck, gentler than the doctor usually administered them.

"You just carry them around with you?" Jim asked, finally looking at the doctor's face.

"Got to keep you alive, haven't I?" Bones responded in his usual gruff tone, before smiling.

"What would I do without you?" Jim questioned.

"I don't know, but for one, I know that I'd be at a lower risk of a stroke without you."

The two friends smiled at each other again, before laughing.

"You'd miss me too much," Jim pointed out.

"I've missed you too much as it is," the doctor replied, honestly, concern filling his eyes as he looked at his friend.

"What are you talking about?" Jim frowned.

"Lately, kid, all I've seen is a Captain. I haven't even seen you honestly happy in months."

Jim just smiled, a small smile, which didn't reach his eyes, as he lifted his drink to his lips.

* * *

Lying on the sofa in his temporary quarters, a holovid playing, Jim sat on his padd, flicking through the news articles of the day. In all honesty, he was bored. None of the holovids was interesting him, none of the news was interesting to him, and other than Scotty and Bones to check on how he was, his comm was blank.

A sudden knock on his door, startled Jim into an upright position, effectively headbutting his padd. Cursing, Jim jumped to his feet at the sound of another knock, jogging to the door.

Rubbing his head, Jim swung the door open, revealing Spock, stoic as ever, with his fist hovering the air, ready to knock on the door again. He quickly clasped his arms behind his back, nodding at his Captain.

"Spock?" Jim questioned, startled and anxious towards the other's presence.

"Captain, may I come in."

"Erm, yeah, of course, Commander," Jim confirmed. If Spock was going to use formal address, so was he, ignoring the little burst of satisfaction he felt when he saw Spock's jaw tense when Jim used his title. He was still annoyed at Spock.

Standing in the centre of the Captain's quarters, Spock briefly glanced around, noticing that it was as bare as his own temporary quarters, only with a few garments of clothing strewn upon the occasional item of furniture, and a single chess set on the coffee table. Turning to face Jim, Spock noticed that he still stood at the door, unsure of whether he needed to close it or leave it open.

"Jim," Spock spoke softly, causing blue eyes to flash to his. "Would you be comfortable with playing a game of chess with me?"

"Depends," the blonde replied coldly. "Is it part of your duties to keep me entertained, as well as protect me?"

"It is always my duty to protect you, regardless of the similarities to my responsibilities as your First Officer," Spock replied, without hesitation, causing Jim's lips to part slightly in shock.

After several moments of cerulean boring into chocolate, Jim closed the door.

* * *

One chess match turned in to two, and now into three. Spock was seated on the sofa, and despite his dissent, Jim was seated on the floor opposite him, on the other side of the coffee table. However, Spock could see the exhaustion in Jim's movements and in his eyes, more specifically their slightly glazed over appearance and the dark circles beneath them. It was only after several yawns, that Spock decided to take action.

"Jim, I believe it is time for you to sleep."

"You're not my babysitter, Spock," Jim giggled, stubbornly continuing to play the game.

"Actually, Jim, some of my responsibilities as First Officer could be considered to be similar to the job description of a babysitter," Spock responded but decided not to explain further when he saw the small smile on Jim's face fall, his laughter silenced. "Jim, protecting you is not just a responsibility to me. You are my friend. I simply wish to keep you safe. The fact that regulation also supports my endeavour is beneficial."

"And what if regulation didn't support it?" Jim questioned, smiling slightly at what Spock had said.

"I would still protect you through any means necessary," Spock responded confidently.

"Really?" Jim questioned, his shock evident through his parted lips and slightly widened eyes, before coming back to himself, choosing to give him a playful smack of the arm. "I must mean a lot to you, ay Spock?"

"You do," Spock confirmed, unaware that Jim was being humorous. "You are my closest friend."

After a moment, Jim just smiled. It was a soft, sweet smile, one that Spock had not seen before. It was intimate, and Spock found that he had a preference for it.

"I still think that it is time for you to sleep, Jim."

"I don't want to sleep, Spock," Jim countered, a sad smile overtaking the previous. "I've been avoiding it, to be honest."

"Jim, you cannot avoid sleep, you require it to function to your optimal."

"So do you," Jim countered defiantly.

"Vulcan need-"

"Less sleep than humans," Jim finished for him, bouncing his head either side, while looking at towards the ceiling, in mockery.

"Jim."

"Spock."

"You need to sleep."

"No, I-" Yawn. "Don't."

This response only earned him a pair of risen eyebrows, while he chastised his body for being traitorous.

"I'm scared, Spock," the blonde whispered after a few moments, the déjà vu of his words causing memories of the _incident_ in the warp core to breach Spock's mind.

 _"I'm scared, Spock, help me not to be," requested Kirk, causing the tears contained in Spock's eyes to begin cascading down his face, at the heartbreaking realisation that not only could he not save him, but he could not comfort him in his final moments._

Spock visibly shook his head, in order to regain control and bury that memory deep within his mindscape. He did not wish to remember it. He did not wish to remember the loss he had felt.

"Spock?" Jim questioned, concern in his features. "You okay?"

"Yes, I am adequate," Spock replied in the same stoic tone he used on the bridge, before seeing his Captain's unwavering gaze. "Your words simply reminded me of a traumatic memory."

"Oh," the blonde replied, giving Spock an apologetic smile before it fell away and he paled. " _Oh_."

"Indeed."

Jim took a few deep breathes, before the colour returned to his face, much to Spock's satisfaction.

"Do you think Chris would have felt the same way?" Jim asked, his gaze fixed on the now forgotten game of chess.

"Admiral Pike did experience fear in his final moments," at Jim's confused frown, Spock clarified. "I melded with him and felt his fear and his pain as though it was my own. I remembered when I was younger, my mother used to say that you should 'focus on the good things in life, because in your final moments, they will be all that will matter to you'. So I showed him various moments from my experience as his First Officer, and he supplied one memory of utmost importance."

"What memory?" Jim frowned, meeting Spock's gaze.

"Meeting you, Jim," Spock answered, causing tears to cloud the other's eyes. "You were like the son he had always longed for. Similar in personality to himself, and selfless."

"He was the closest thing I ever had to a father," Jim admitted, a single tear falling from his cheek and on to the chess board.

"I apologise, Jim. I did not intend to upset you."

"No, no, I'm glad you told me," Jim reached out and patted Spock's forearm softly. "Thank you."

"You are welcome, Jim," Spock replied, placing his other hand over Jim's on his arm, as a comfortable silence settled upon them.

"I fear that my mother did not have a chance to reflect on the positive aspects of her life, before..." Spock trailed off.

"I believe that you were the last thing she thought of," Jim comforted, as he started to rub small circles on the other's arm with his thumb. "You were the best thing in her life, and I am sure that she was so proud of you. I wish that I could have met her."

"She would have liked you," Spock smiled slightly. "You would have been incredibly illogical together."

"Maybe in another life, huh?" Jim smiled too, aware of another Vulcan who had proved to him that it was possible.

"Perhaps," Spock responded, equally aware of this certain individual. "I miss her, Jim."

Jim's eyes widened slightly at the vulnerability in his friend's tone. Instinctively, Jim rose from his position on the ground, walking around the coffee table, before grabbing the Vulcan's shoulders and pulling him into a hug.

Understanding the Vulcan's preferences for physical contact, Jim began to pull away and apologise, when Spock brought his arms around his waist and held him tightly. Jim placed his hands on the Vulcan's back, unconsciously rubbing small circles of comfort.

After standing in that position for several moments, the blonde released a large yawn.

"Jim..." Spock started, starting to release him.

"I know, I know."

"You require rest, therefore I shall take my leave," Spock identified, before beginning to make his way to the door.

"Stay," Jim spoke, causing Spock to pause for a moment before turning around hesitantly. "Please. I slept better that night when you were with me."

Spock only hesitated for a few moments longer, before nodding.

"I shall sleep on the sofa then," causing the blonde to roll his eyes.

"No need to be a gentleman, Mr Spock," Jim spoke as he made his way to the bedroom. "My bed is big enough for two."

"That would be inappropriate, Captain."

"Jim!" the blonde called out, frustrated. "Call me Jim."

"Jim," Spock corrected. "You will be more comfortable without me hindering-"

"Please, Spock," Jim pleaded, gazing intently at Spock, a look which the brunette found that he could not refuse.

With a nod, Jim smiled and jumped on to the bed, getting comfortable, before Spock removed his shirt, leaving him in his black regulation shirt.

"You can borrow a pair of my pyjamas if you want, you know," Jim offered, yawning again.

"Thank you, Jim," Spock accepted, knowing that if he refused, he would as he had heard other humans say: 'never hear the end of it'.

However, as Spock exited the bathroom, still in his black undershirt, and a pair of green and navy, checked pyjama trousers of Jim's, he vulnerably let out a sigh of relief at the sight before him. Upon the bed, the blonde was already asleep on his side, facing Spock.

Padding across the room, to Jim's side of the bed, the Vulcan pulled up the covers to cover the blonde, before slowly reaching out and giving in to his urge to move his blonde locks from his forehead. The sensation was being addictive to the brunette, as the blonde hair felt soft on his fingertips in this intimate gesture.

Finally, getting into the vacant side of the large bed, Spock lay on his back as he pulled the covers up to cover himself. Turning his head to the left, Spock reached out with his hand, placing it upon Jim's meld points, sending feelings of calmness, in the hope that it would keep the blonde's nightmares away. As his hand retreated, his knuckle rubbed the other man's cheekbone gently.

"Goodnight, Jim." _I love you_.

* * *

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	8. Chapter 8

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Eight**

Pain. Burning pain. All Jim could feel was pain.

Every time he breathed, it burned. Everytime he moved, it ached sharply. But he kept going, he had to.

Crawling into the decontamination chamber, he made his way to the door, seeing a flash of blue enter his blurring vision, and the vague sense of someone talking.

The pain, it willed him to stop, but he wouldn't let it. He hadn't come this far to give up now. He had to know his ship, his crew, Bones, Spock, that they were all safe. That they would live.

Reaching the door, Jim pressed the button to close the hatch. He knew he hadn't made it in time. He knew that. The pain in his chest and his throat knew that. The movement in itself knew that for it took him a few seconds to regain his breath from such a simple movement.

Looking towards the door, the blue figure was closer now. Blinking the blurriness away, revealed it to be Spock, crouching in front of the door, his chocolate eyes gazing at Jim. Over their command, Jim had learned to read Spock. Every quirk of an eyebrow, every twitch of his lips, even the emotions in his eyes, each had their own meaning, their own story. Jim felt proud to know that he would die knowing all of these things about his First Officer.

Looking into the chocolate eyes, Jim could see the shock in the way that they had widened slightly, and the pain in them.

"How's our ship?"

"Out of danger," Spock replied, the grief in his voice unmissable to Jim. "You saved the crew."

Good. They were safe. They were alive. That was all Jim had wanted.

"You used what he wanted against him," Jim pointed out, evidently proud. "That was a nice move."

"It is what you would have done," Spock replied, and it made Jim think briefly about when he had himself had done just that during their chess matches. The look on Spock's face, more specifically the tiny line that appeared between his eyebrows as a frown escaped his stoic control, had been priceless.

"And this is what you would have done," Jim admitted. "It was only logical."

As Spock's eyes explored around him briefly, Jim could practically see the wheels turning in his head. He was analysing his words, trying to counter them with an alternative, but when his eyes met Jim's again, Jim just smiled. He had no alternative. This had been the only way to save the ship. The only way to save everyone else.

"I'm scared, Spock," Jim admitted, pain and fear bleeding into his voice. "Help me not to be."

After a few moments, slight disbelief and sadness overtook Jim's features, as he looked away from the others gaze.

"How do you choose not to feel?"

"I do not know," Spock admitted. "Right now I am failing."

Jim looked up at him then. Blue meeting chocolate. It was unmissable and unmistakable. Jim could see the grief, the fear, the sadness, the undertone of anger, and regret, all in one brief analysis of his First Officer's face. His best friend's face. Sorry, Bones.

The amount of emotion that was overwhelming his face, shocked Jim. He had never seen him so full of emotions, excluding the choking incident.

He knew that the Vulcan had emotions, he just kept them well hidden, but to see him so open and vulnerable was a gift to Jim. For his half-Vulcan to be so entirely unguarded in front of him, brought a smile to his face. At least as much of a smile as he could muster, with his rapidly draining energy. His rapidly draining life.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die, why I went back for you."

"Because you are my friend," was Spock's immediate reply, the words causing the look of determination on Jim's face to crumble into one of defeat.

 _Friend._

 _He remembered his mom saying that when you die your life is said to flash before your eyes._

 _He remembered the first time Spock had looked at him with pride when he actually offered the Romulans mercy._

 _The first time they had eaten in the mess hall together, and Spock had criticised his eating methods, comparing them to that of an infant, but Jim didn't miss the twitch of his lips, the first instance of that adorable, small smile._

 _The first time they had played chess together in the rec room, Spock completely destroying Jim, that small smile escaping his control, and in that instance Jim's cerulean eyes could see the happiness and contentment Spock's chocolate ones, vowing to himself to try and cause it to emerge whenever he could._

 _The first time they had shared dinner in Jim's quarters and watched a holovid, it had felt like a date, and that should have made Jim nervous, but he felt comfortable and content, he couldn't explain it, but as he looked over and saw Spock looking intently at the screen, a rainbow of colour flashing over his face, Jim could not help but think he was beautiful._

 _The first time he looked at Spock on the bridge and felt love. It had scared him. Spock was with Uhura, and it was wrong to be feeling these things for him. But as Jim looked back at him again, he accepted defeat. He would just have to love him from afar._

 _Running towards the transporter pad, after beaming up Spock, Jim had felt nothing but pure fear. However, once he saw Spock, his heart stopped, and he could not help the exasperated laugh and smile that escaped when he chastised him for saving him._

 _He couldn't have let him die._

 _He would never let him die._

I went back for you because I love you.

Jim wanted to say the words, to finally tell him the truth, but he couldn't. The burning in his throat intensified. He felt like he was on fire. He should have been screaming, but there wasn't enough life left in him to do so. He knew his end was near. He could feel the last remains of his life leaving him.

Reaching out, Jim used all of his strength to place his hand on the glass door, only minutely able to feel the coolness of it, as his life drained from him. If he couldn't tell his best friend how much he loved him, he would try to show him. Spock had told him about Vulcan biology and telepathy. It was worth a shot.

As Spock slowly placed his hand on the other side of the door, mirroring Kirk's, Jim had held his breath. But he soon let it escape, defeat overtaking him, causing tears to bleed from his eyes.

He felt nothing.

He couldn't feel Spock. He couldn't tell him.

 _Because I love you_ , he urged his mind to scream, but the lack of skin contact and his draining energy made it impossible to reach Spock, or even echo in the air.

Defeated, Jim noticed that Spock's hand was in the form of a Vulcan salute. Returning the gesture, Jim figured it was the closest way he could tell the half-Vulcan how much he meant to him. Jim smiled at their hands, seeing them fitting together so perfectly.

Looking back at his half-Vulcan, Jim's eyes bore into his, as he saw the tears forming a waterfall down his usually blank face. So vulnerable, so unguarded and so beautiful, despite his grief.

The burning faded into a feeling of numbness, as Jim saw black beginning to bleed into his vision. Breathing became harder, telling Jim that this was his final moment. Looking at Spock, he simply smiled, as best as he could manage, thankful to the universe that the last thing he would see was the one that he loved.

 _I love you_ , Jim's mind whispered before everything became black, and Jim felt nothing at all.

* * *

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	9. Chapter 9

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Nine**

Sharply sitting up, ocean blue flew open, the darkness around him causing his breathing to increase. Placing his hands behind him on the bed, in order to allow himself to sit up more comfortable, he startled when he felt a hand beneath his own.

The previous night quickly came back to him, and Jim felt around for the bedside table, turning on the lamp, bathing his bedroom in a small, golden glow of light.

Looking back towards the other side of the bed, Jim's breathing stopped, before a few deep breaths allowed him to return it to normal. Next to him, Spock was asleep lying on his side, facing Jim, his annoyingly perfect bowl-cut still perfect, and his hand palm down in the space that had been between them.

Beautiful was all Jim's mind could supply before it reminded him of why he couldn't tell him that.

 _Uhura_.

His best friend had a girlfriend, goddammit!

It's chastising sounded so similar to Bones that Jim ran a hand over his face and through his blonde hair.

Getting out of bed slowly, Jim took one last look to the sleeping half-Vulcan before padding towards the bathroom to relieve himself.

However, as he exited the bathroom, Jim heard a small whimper. It caused him to freeze at the bathroom door, looking around his quarters for the source of the sound. As he stepped out of the bedroom and into the living room, he heard it again, but as he spun around to the direction of the sound, he saw that Spock had his hand outstretched, clearly still asleep.

As the whimper escaped him again, Jim briskly walked towards the bed, kneeling on the edge of the half-Vulcan's side of the bed, placing his hands on the other's arm.

"Spock," Jim spoke softly, rubbing his arm. "It's okay. I'm here."

Spock whimpered again, his hand fisting the sheet beneath him, his face contorting in pain and grief.

"No," he whispered. "Please, come back to me. Please"

At the broken tone, Jim placed his other hand on his friend's shoulder. Tears began to fall from Spock's closed eyes, the sight heartbreakingly vulnerable.

Shaking him lightly, Jim attempted to softly wake him, and as his hand made skin contact with his arm, he felt Spock startled.

As his chocolate brown eyes opened, he noticed the empty side of the bed, before turning his gaze to Jim above him. Confusion clouded his eyes.

"You were having a nightmare," Jim pointed out.

"I see," was the half-Vulcan's only reply, as he moved to sit up, Jim moving back to sit in front of him.

"I thought that Vulcan's didn't dream?"

"They do not, under usual circumstances."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jim asked softly, gazing at Spock intently, but his brown eyes avoided him entirely.

"It is unnecessary, sharing one's dreams is-"

"Don't you dare say illogical," Jim interrupted, rolling his eyes softly. "Spock, talk to me."

Brown briefly glanced up into blue, before looking away as though burned.

"I saw you die," Spock said bluntly, his voice uncomfortably blank.

Jim gulped a few times, looking away from his friend, as he attempted to calm his mind, pushing away the memories.

"I dream of it too," Jim said softly. "I see it whenever I close my eyes."

As they settled into silence, both of their eyes avoided the other entirely, glazing over as the memories flashed in their minds, causing Spock to become increasingly blank, seemingly devoid of all emotion, and causing Jim to flinch, his features contorting in phantom pain.

"I should be dead," Jim whispered in grief. "I'm probably better off dead."

Brown sharply looked towards his friend, who was still avoiding looking at him. Shuffling closer, Spock hesitantly placed his arm around the blonde, a gesture he lacked experience with.

"Never speak or think those words again," Spock ordered softly, determination in his tone.

"But I should be," Jim whispered in response, beginning to cry.

Spock tensed again, before placing his fingertips on the other's temple.

 _The nervous anticipation as he watched Khan's blood making its way towards the blonde, through the tubes leading into the veins in his wrist._

 _The anger at the thought of Khan having any contact with Jim, even if not directly._

 _The seven-point eight-nine minutes of waiting for the serum to work. Seven point eight nine minutes of silence, until a heartbeat was heard. Relief overwhelming him. Jim was alive. He had his best friend back._

 _Jim being taken off of the ventilator, finally able to breathe on his own. The realisation that the serum was working. Clasping the blonde's hand in his own, the warmth of it nearly making him choke from his overwhelming relief._

 _Visiting sick bay every eight hours, anticipating seeing his cerulean eyes again._

As Spock's hand withdraw, he left it on the other's shoulder, who frowned in confusion.

"Why did I hardly see you after I woke up then?" Jim questioned, tears cascading down his cheeks. "You only visited like once a day once I woke up, and then I didn't see you for a month after I was discharged."

"I apologise, Jim," Spock whispered, looking away from the blonde, as his blue eyes looked up into his own. "It was hard for me to see you. It brought back memories. The pain was destructive to my shields. I needed to regain control over myself."

"I thought Vulcans didn't feel pain," Jim countered with a small smile on his lips, despite the tears still cascading down his face.

"The loss of you will always cause me pain," Spock replied, chocolate meeting cerulean once more, holding the other for several moments of silence, tears beginning to fall from both orbs.

As Jim began to sob, he looked away from the half-Vulcan, the heartbreaking sound causing Spock to shuffle closer and tighten his arm around the blonde. Despite his lack of confidence with this gesture, it brought him comfort that he was this close to Jim, attempting to reduce his pain.

Jim hung his head, before allowing it to fall harshly against Spock's collarbone. As the sobs wracked his body, Spock balanced his head on top of the blondes, his own tears falling into the blonde locks.

* * *

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	10. Chapter 10

**I do not own Star Trek! Enjoy!**

* * *

 **Chapter Ten**

As Jim opened his eyes, the sunlight coming through his blinds caused him to shut them sharply again, before opening them again hesitantly. The smell of coffee reached his nostrils, causing him to sit up slowly, his sleep-filled eyes looking towards the empty side of the bed next to him.

Kicking the covers away from his legs, the blonde swung his legs off of the bed and on to the floor, before padding towards the kitchen, following the coffee scent. However, he was not prepared for the sight of his half-Vulcan First Officer standing in his kitchen, in pyjamas, making breakfast.

"Good morning, Jim," he spoke softly, his lips twitching slightly in that small smile.

"Mornin'," Jim replied, looking towards him with combined shock and amusement, as the half-Vulcan met his gaze.

"I made breakfast," Spock pointed out.

"I can see that," Jim replied, before taking a seat on the stools at the kitchen island, as bacon and toasted bread was plated in front of him.

"You didn't have to go to all of this trouble, especially the bacon."

"My eating preferences should not cause you to alter yours," Spock pointed out, placing a mug of coffee in front of the blonde, before taking his place on the stool next to him, a plate of toasted bread in front of him.

"I trust you will not run away this time," Spock spoke softly, referencing the last time they had awoken in each others company.

Jim could hear the amusement in his tone, and laughed lightly before the domesticity of the situation struck him. His laughter died in his throat as he remembered.

"So how's Uhura doing?" Jim questioned, faking nonchalance.

"I do not know, I have not spoken to her today."

Jim frowned slightly but did not press the topic further.

They ate the rest of their breakfast in a lingering silence.

* * *

By the evening, Spock had retired to his own quarters, after spending most of the day in Jim's company, either watching holovids or playing chess. It had felt so domestic, and so content, that it scared Jim, especially when a knock at the door turned out to be Uhura.

"Uhura," Kirk greeted, nodding before stepping aside to let her pass, a container in her arms.

"Captain," she began, only to be met with a tilt of the blonde's head and risen eyebrows. "Kirk, you look well."

"Finally got some beauty sleep," _thanks to your boyfriend_ , went unsaid. He was not about to be a homewrecker. He would never do that.

"You could do with a little more of the beauty side, to be honest," the Communications Officer counter, smiling in amusement, laughing when Kirk clutched his heart in mock pain.

"What's in the box?" Kirk questioned, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Cookies," Uhura answered, laughing when she saw Kirk jumping in excitement. "You're such a child."

After Kirk devoured his first cookie, Uhura finally spoke again.

"I take it Spock talked to you," causing Kirk to freeze in shock, before gathering himself again.

"Yeah, he did."

"Good, I called him an idiot for having not visited you, since you were discharged."

"Yeah, sorry about that," Kirk apologised, avoiding her gaze as she looked at him in confusion.

"Why are you apologising?"

"Because," Kirk started. "He's been spending a lot of time with me. You guys can't have had much time to spend together the past few days."

"It's alright, you're his priority," she replied, calmly, causing Kirk to frown.

"I shouldn't be, you're his girlfriend," Kirk pointed out, causing Uhura to look at him sharply.

"Spock and I broke up months ago," Uhura said bluntly, shock in her tone at the fact that Kirk was unaware.

"What?" Kirk questioned, shocked. "He never told me."

"He is such an idiot," Uhura rolled her eyes in frustration.

"You guys were great together though."

"No, Kirk," Uhura replied, a glimpse of sadness in her eyes and the edges of her mouth. "We were okay together, but it was never going to last. I think we both knew that."

Kirk just smiled sadly, internally bitter that Spock had never told him, as a silence lingered around them.

"When you died," Uhura started, catching a glimpse of Kirk's flinch and shooting him an apologetic smile. "He was so angry, so emotional. He nearly killed Khan. I tried to get him to stop, but he was so enraged, so furious. The only thing that stopped him was you, Jim. When I said your name he froze. Although, he did get a final sucker punch out of it."

At Jim's silence and avoiding gaze, she placed a cautious hand on his shoulder, causing him to look at her.

"You mean a lot to him, Jim," she spoke softly, Jim smiling slightly at her words, before staying silent for a few more moments.

"You heard from any other members of the crew recently?" Jim questioned, changing the subject.

"Yeah, Christine is working at the hospital with Leonard. It could be some months before we are back on the ship, so we need to fill in the time with something. Sulu was visiting Ben, and he showed me his daughter, Demora, on a video call, he's back now. I think he said that Chekov was in Russia visiting his family, but should be back by the end of the week. We will all get together for a drink or food, don't worry. "

"Yeah, and Scotty is working on repairing our ship, as always," Jim said with amusement and appreciation for the engineer's dedication. "I haven't heard from them much. They visited a bit when I was in the hospital."

"I think after the mission, everyone has needed to spend some time with their families."

"Of course, I understand," Jim replied, a small smile on his lips that didn't reach his eyes. "It's just been a bit lonely. The crew is my family."

Uhura placed a hand on his arm, before pulling him into a brief hug.

"Careful, Uhura, I might start thinking that you're making a move on me."

Uhura looked at him in amusement, slapping his shoulder lighter.

"Nyota," she spoke softly, causing Jim to smile. "Call me Nyota."

* * *

As Spock opened his door to answer the knock, he paused when he saw Jim standing with his arms crossed, a look of irritation crossing his features.

"Jim?" he questioned cautiously.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what, Jim," Spock questioned, frowning slightly.

"That you and Nyota broke up."

Spock paused, before moving his arm in a gesture that politely encouraged Jim to enter his temporary quarters.

"Well?" Jim questioned once he was standing in the centre of the living room, foot tapping in impatience.

"I did not want to, as my mother would say 'add to your plate'."

"I'm your best friend, Spock," Jim reminded, exasperated. "You can talk to me about anything, regardless of my own issues."

"I apologise, Jim."

"It's okay, I understand," Jim spoke softly now. "I just wish you had felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it."

"I do, Jim," Spock corrected, stepping forward. "I trust you with my life."

"Me too," Jim replied, smiling at Spock, before patting him on the back in a friendly manner that Spock had seen him do with Doctor McCoy.

"You coming to the crew dinner on Friday?" Jim questioned. "I think Bones, Nyota, Chekov, Sulu, Scotty and Chapel will all be there. We haven't all been together in ages."

"Indeed," Spock confirmed. "Will you be attending?"

"Yeah, of course," Jim beamed. "The crew is my family, Spock. You coming then?"

"Yes," Spock confirmed, looking at the blonde with longing as he now made himself comfortable on the sofa, his gaze fixed on the holovid he put on the screen. "I shall attend."

* * *

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	11. Chapter 11

**I do not own Star Trek.**

* * *

 **Chapter Eleven**

The sight before him was comparable to, as his mother would say, a headless chicken.

Standing in the doorway, Spock observed Jim flailing around his quarters. A particular group from the Enterprise crew were meeting for dinner at nine-hundred hours. However, that was ten-point nine seven minutes ago.

Spock had arrived at Jim's door, as it was only logical that they walk together since their quarters were in such close proximity, similar to their tradition of walking to their bridge shifts together or having breakfast in the cafeteria together. However, upon arrival, he had pressed the buzzer but received no answer. Logically, as his First Officer, Spock had to ensure his Captain's well-being. Therefore, the only available course of action was to hack the door's lock engagement system, allowing him to gain access to the blonde's quarters.

The door had slid open, revealing Jim to be sprawled upon the sofa, mouth open, clearly deep in sleep. Upon cautious approach, Spock turned off the holovid, before placing a hand on the blonde's arm in a soft attempt to rouse him. When he was met with a soft snore, the half-Vulcan shook his hand slightly, startling the blonde awake. Jim blinked several times before awareness appeared to enter his mind.

"Sp'ck?" He questioned tiredly. "What's going on?"

"You were asleep, Jim," Spock answered, taking a small step back as the blonde sat up.

"Yeah..."

"I am glad to see that your unpleasant dreams are finally dissipating."

"Me too," the blonde chuckled lightly, before frowning. "What are you doing here anyway? Wait, how did you even get in? The door was locked."

"I overrode the system, providing me access to your quarters. I apologise, Jim, but when you did not answer, I had to ensure that your well-being was satisfactory."

Jim nodded his approval at his actions, before becoming silent, his tiredness causing him to forget about his first question.

"Also, we are meant to be at the restaurant in four minutes and seven seconds."

Apart from the initial nought-point seven seconds where Jim's eyes had widened slightly, as he realised he was late, the rest of time leading to the present had been filled with strewn clothes, a wide array of curses, and subtle pink blushes as he dressed in front of his First Officer.

Still standing at the door, Spock lifted an eyebrow as Jim sauntered towards him, dressed in a light blue T-shirt, black leather jacket and dark blue jeans, acting as though he had not had to rush at all.

The walk to the restaurant was a comfortable five minutes, as they stepped in sync, side by side, their shoulders occasionally brushing. The silence lingering around them should have felt awkward to them, but it practically breathed contentment. The sun was starting to set, so a peach glow had settled along the clouds.

"Pink sky at night, shepherd's delight," Jim said to himself, as Spock looked at him confused. "It was an old saying, really old. It basically means we are meant to get good weather tomorrow."

"I see," Spock replied, eyebrow still raised, seemingly unconvinced but unexpectedly accepting.

They continued walking for several more moments in contented silence until they reached the doors to the bar, Spock reaching out and holding the door for his Captain.

"Captain!" Several people shouted at once, as soon as he entered.

"Jim, glad you could finally be bothered to show up!" Bones chuckled gruffly, walking towards Jim and bringing him into a brotherly hug, before patting him on the back and releasing him. As Bones returned to the table, Sulu and Chekov rose to greet him.

"Sir," Sulu nodded, a smile on his face. Kirk just smiled at the formalities, before bringing Sulu into a brief hug.

"It has been ages since we saw you, Captain," Chekov pointed out, his Russian accent thick.

"I know," Kirk smiled, patting the young Ensign on the back before ruffling his hair, earning him a small laugh from the Russian, as Nyota approached him.

"Kirk," she greeted, smiling.

"Nyota," Kirk responded playfully, before freezing in shock when she hugged him briefly.

"Your place or mine?" Kirk questioned, doing his best to sound seductive by speaking in a deeper tone than his norm. In response, Nyota's face became serious as she punched his shoulder, causing Kirk to squeak, having not expected such strength from his Communication's Officer, before she sauntered back to the table with an amused smile, passing Christine and Scotty as she did.

"Captain," Christine greeted politely, sharing a smile before returning back to their table. They weren't well acquainted, but she seemed nice.

"Captain!" He beamed, before patting the blonde on the shoulder. "How are you feeling today, lad?"

"Great, thanks for asking, Scotty," Kirk answered, a small smile on his lips which didn't quite reach his eyes, as he remembered the circumstances which had ended his last encounter with Scotty. He felt his breathing become slightly laboured, as a hot flush laced across his skin.

"Jim?"

Taking a deep breath, Jim calmed, before looking at who had just spoken.

"I'm fine, Spock," he assured. "Just a bit warm."

"I see," Spock replied, unconvinced, but wary of pressing the matter further with strangers glancing in their direction from other tables.

Scotty simply patted Kirk on the arm, giving him a sympathetic smile, before returning to his place at the table. At the mahogany table, four chairs either side, Nyota sat next to Christine, opposite Sulu and Chekov, with Bones next to the young Navigator and Scotty opposite him, leaving two seats for the Captain and First Officer. Naturally, Kirk sat next to Bones, while Spock sat opposite him, next to Scotty. Kirk considered sitting next to his Chief Engineer, but the mere thought of Spock and Bones next to each other had made him shudder.

After ordering their drinks and their food, the group jumped into a conversation about the past few weeks, since the mission ended. Chekov went to Russia to visit his grandma, which started a slightly heated debate as to whether Russian's invented certain types of alcohol, particularly with Bones. Eventually, the conversation turned to said Doctor, who recounted that he had been working at Starfleet's medical centre, because other than drinking and video calling his daughter, there was nothing left for him to do with his time.

"Apart from look after this pain in the ass," Bones added, pointing in Jim's direction, earning a few laughs from the surrounding crew, as they received their first round of drinks.

Sulu then explained his time with his boyfriend, Ben, and his daughter Demora. This led to him showing multiple photos, all of which were adorable, and even had Spock's eyes softening slightly, which wasn't missed by Jim, who glanced at him after seeing the picture.

Nyota and Chapel then shared what had been doing over the past few weeks, but most of this part of the conversation was missed by Jim, as when he had glanced back at Spock he had been unable to take his gaze off of him for long. It was only when chocolate orbs sharply met his own, that he forcefully wrenched his gaze away, a pink flush reaching his cheeks at the embarrassment of being caught staring.

"It was hilarious," Chapel continued, her voice finally reaching Jim's ears.

"It was not hilarious," Bones cut in. "I could have been stabbed by my own damn scalpel."

"Well, you should have been more perceptive of your surroundings, Doctor," Chapel countered. Apparently, while they were both working in the hospital, Bones had begun operating when Chapel had entered the room and scared him to the extent that he almost dropped the scalpel in his hand. They continued to snipe at each other, and shortly after Jim joined in with the laughter.

"I've gotta say, laddies and ladies, all I've been doing is workin' with the love of my life," Scotty cut in. "The Enterprise is coming along well, but it'll be a while before we're back in the sky, let alone in space."

In response, there were a few understanding murmurs from around the table, while slight disappointment was evident from their fallen smiles. Most people, excluding Bones, of course, were eager to be back on the ship which they now called home. They wanted their daily routine back.

Looking from Scotty towards his drink, Jim felt the urge to lift his gaze and look at Spock, only for his eyes to meet with chocolate ones. Startled, Jim tensed, causing him to knock his cutlery off of the edge of the table. However, with his Vulcan senses, Spock managed to catch the cutlery and return it to the table, never taking his intense gaze off of the blonde.

"Thanks," Jim murmured, dropping his gaze back to the place mat in front of him, a blush rising to his cheeks. Looking back at the table, he saw that the conversation had continued, with Bones and Scotty discussing the moonshine made by the Enterprise's own engine, with most of the crew having missed the interaction between the Captain and the First Officer. However, it didn't escape Jim's attention that Nyota had glanced in their direction, a sadness in her eyes, but a small smile on her lips. Although not as adept as Nyota at communication, Jim could read people. She was content that Spock would be happy, but she was also sad that it was not her causing the emotion. Jim felt for her, sending her a small smile of his own, causing her own to bloom. They had never had the best relationship, but he could practically feel the friendship between them growing.

Once their food arrived, Jim dug into his lasagne, while everyone began to recount humorous stories from their time in Starfleet, particularly on the Enterprise, that had Jim chuckling into his food. Of course, Scotty had gone for a sandwich with a side of fries. Bones ordered a burger with fries, while the girls both had pasta with a side of salad. Sulu decided on the fish, while Chekov ordered a burger. And finally, Spock ordered a vegetarian pasta dish.

As Bones recounted getting Jim on to the Enterprise in the first place, Nyota joined in, causing the majority of the table to dissolve into uncontrollable laughter.

"His hands were like the size of a football," Nyota added.

"Don't forget the numb tongue," Jim spoke up, smiling as the rest of the table laughed again, as Bones began to re-enact it.

Feeling a bump against his shoe, Jim found that the half-Vulcan's was touching his own, but neither put distance between them. Looking up, Jim was still smiling as he met Spock's lingering gaze. To anyone around them, except maybe Nyota, they would see a stoic robot, but Jim could see the softness in his eyes as Spock looked at him with an unknown emotion, internal laughter crinkling the edges of his eyes.

"It was so great to see everyone," Jim smiled, as he bounced along the pavement. He and Spock were walking back from the restaurant, along the river, bathed in the glow from the street lights, in the darkness of the night.

"I too found the evening to be enjoyable," Spock added, walking slightly behind the human, a slight twitch at the edge of his lips as he watched him.

As they walked back to their quarters, the air was cool in the night, but not chilly enough for a jacket to be a necessity, it was May, after all. However, Jim kept his leather jacket on, his hands in the pockets and he walked along, happiness and confidence emitting from his steps. Apart from when his Captain would first step on the bridge at the start of shift, he had never seen him happier. With the knowledge of what his Captain had been dealing with emotionally, Spock found that he was content at the sight, the edges of his lips twitching into a small smile. A smile that Spock did not feel the need to hide, not in front of the man he loves.

* * *

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	12. Chapter 12

**I do not own Star Trek.**

* * *

 **Chapter Twelve**

At 03:25AM, Spock was woken from sleep to an irregular rhythm of knocks on the doors to his quarters. Gracefully rising out of bed and standing, Spock made his way to the door, mildly confused as to why the individual would choose to knock rather than use the door chime. Expecting to open the door to an intoxicated individual, Spock was shocked to find Jim there instead, face pale and breathing erratically. He mouthed Spock's name before slumping forward, collapsing against Spock's chest, still struggling to breathe. Quickly, Spock closed the door and held his Captain, in an attempt to calm him, his own concern and fear seeping out of his control and into his facial features. Rubbing his hand in circular motions against Jim's back, he continued to hold him.

"Jim," Spock whispered, his voice laced with unmistakable worry.

The sound of his voice alone broke Jim's strength, causing his knees to buckle, but rather than keep him upright, Spock sank to his knees too, his arms still encasing the blonde.

Slowly, Jim's breathing began to slow down, reaching almost normal, before he moved his head from the half-Vulcan's chest, to rest against his collarbone, and then his shoulder. As Jim breathed deeply, while resting his head against his shoulder, Spock felt the warmth of his breath reaching his neck, as he looked down and studied him. Colour began to reach his cheeks again, but the dark pigmentation beneath his eyes was still present.

They stayed this way for several more moments, a comfortable silence surrounding them, only to be broken when their position became uncomfortable.

"Jim," Spock spoke again, his voice more steady.

He felt the blonde take a deep breath against his shoulder before he removed himself and sat upright, opposite Spock.

"Sorry, Spock," Jim whispered, hoarsely, gaze intent on his hands in his lap. "Had another nightmare, and I couldn't breathe."

"Do not apologise, Jim," Spock ordered, reaching out gently with his index finger to lift the blonde's gaze to meet his own. "Never apologise for such a thing."

Jim just smiled, before looking back down at his hands, as Spock's finger stayed where it was for a few moments longer than it shoulder have.

"I guess I was wrong about the pink sky at night," Jim spoke, changing the subject, as a blush had risen to his cheeks. In the panic of the moment, neither had noticed the rain hitting the windows of the quarters until now.

"Indeed," Spock replied, a hint of amusement reaching his eyes, causing Jim to smile when he glanced up. "Would you care for some tea?"

"Erm, yeah, sure," Jim replied, scratching the back of his neck.

As they rose to their feet, Spock did so gracefully, while Jim swayed slightly. Spock reached out to hold his arms to steady the younger man, his touch lingering once more before he turned to make the tea.

"This is not the first instance of a panic attack?" the half-Vulcan questioned, frowning ever so slightly.

They had nearly finished their Vulcan tea, which Jim surprisingly liked.

"Yeah, I saw the core of the Enterprise and it happened then," Jim replied, focusing on his mug. "Scotty had to call Bones."

"Why did you not inform me?" Spock questioned, leaning forward slightly, as an undertone of anger seeped into his voice.

"I dunno, didn't want to worry you, I guess," Jim shrugged, before glancing up to meet Spock's gaze, shocked to find the deep concern it radiated, before releasing an empty laugh. "Guess I failed."

"Indeed you did," Spock replied, seeing the slight grimace on Jim's face, causing him to reach out and place a hand on Jim's arm. "But I am glad that you have finally informed me."

They stayed that way for several long moments, Jim's gaze downcast and glazed, while Spock's was intent, yet soft, as he observed Jim.

"Sleep would be beneficial," Spock interrupted the silence, removing his arm from Jim's and standing. "You may take the bed, and I will stay by your side to remove any unpleasant dreams you may experience."

"You need sleep too, Spock."

"Vulcan's do not-"

"Need as much sleep as humans, I know," Jim interrupted, a smile on his face as he rolled his eyes. "You still need sleep."

Jim made his way to the bed, climbing in without a word, while Spock remained where he stood, the comfortable domesticity of the situation coming to his attention. The thought alone caused an illogical twitch of his lips before he made his way to the bed.

He lay on top of the covers, in order to preserve Jim's comfort.

"You know, with the number of times you've offered me the bed, anyone would think you were trying to bed me, Mister Spock," Jim spoke, before releasing a yawn and ordering the lights to zero per cent, missing the deep emerald blush that covered his First Officer's skin.

"Goodnight, Spock."

Goodnight, Jim," He replied softly, but he had barely reached the young man's name before his breathing began to even out.

After several long moments, Spock remained awake, head turned in Jim's direction as he listened to the blonde's breathing. Spock was lying on his back, on the right side of the bed, while Jim faced him on his side.

As a whimper escaped the blonde, Spock instinctively reached out his hand and placed them against Jim's meld points, sending his feelings of warmth and calm. The whimpering subsided, and as Spock removed his hand, he felt a tingle in his fingertips as he received images of the nightmare.

 _Spock. Volcano. Relief. Love._

As Spock continued to stare in the direction of the man next to him, his internal disbelief and shock subsided, as in the darkness of the night he allowed a smile blossom on his face, accompanied by a green blush.

"I love you too," Spock whispered to the sleeping form next to him, before sleep began to take himself.

As cerulean eyes fluttered open, Jim immediately shut them again, as the sun coming through the shades was bright and unforgiving. Immediately after, Jim became aware that his head and arm were resting on top of something warm. Something warm that was rising and falling. Something warm that was breathing.

 _God, I need coffee_ , Jim thought before opening a single eye.

Shifting his head to look upwards, Jim found that something to be Spock.

 _Vulcan's don't need as much sleep as humans_ , Jim internally huffed, rolling his eyes, before they softened as they settled back upon the half-Vulcan.

Lying on his back, deep in sleep, Spock's features were completely relaxed. In this vulnerable state, all of his control was gone, as his head was tilted ever so slightly towards Jim, and a few strands of his normally perfect bowl cut were out of place. He looked imperfectly beautiful. Smiling contently, Jim continued to gaze at the sleeping form of his First Officer, his head remaining on his chest.

After a few moments, cerulean met chocolate, causing Jim's eyes to widen as he tried to turn away, a pink flush coating his skin, embarrassed at being caught staring. However, in the sudden movement, Jim not only managed to disentangle himself from the half-Vulcan, but also managed to roll off of the side of the bed, hitting the wooden floor with a huff, before awkwardly rising and all but running to the doorway.

"Thanks for, erm, last night," Jim spoke, his gaze fixed on the end of the bed, before glancing up at Spock, seeing that he was in the exact same position, only with his gaze following Jim and a single eyebrow raised in amusement. "I'm gonna go shower and that."

"I have a shower facility, if you wish to-"

"Okay, bye," Jim interrupted, running to the door with a single wave to Spock.

As the blonde left, and the door shut behind him, a smirk escaped Spock's self control, as he continued to lie in bed for several more moments.

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	13. Chapter 13

**I do not own Star Trek.**

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 **Chapter Thirteen**

"It is your move, Jim."

"I know, I know," Jim waved him off, before rubbing his chin. "I'm thinking."

"Jim-" Spock began.

"I got it," Jim beamed, cutting him off, moving his intended chess piece in such a way that he won the game. "Gotcha."

As a result, Spock scrutinised the board in front of him, earning a laugh from Jim.

"I beat you fair and square," Jim continued to laugh, elevating when Spock continued to stare at the chess board between them on the coffee table, eyebrows furrowed.

As his laughing continued to amplify, Spock began stealing small glances at blonde, whose eyes were now screwed shut, a hand on his chest in futile attempt to reduce the ache that began to form. Once gasps began to take their place, Spock fixed his eyes on the blonde kneeling across from him, his lips quirking at the corners.

"God, man," Jim gasped, eyes still screwed shut from intense laughter. "God, I love you."

It took 0.523 seconds for silence to settle upon the room, any remaining laughter dying in the blonde's throat, causing him to began coughing.

"Jim, would you like a drink?" Spock asked, concern overwhelming the shock.

In response, Jim just waved his hand, avoiding eye contact.

"Jim, I do believe you should have a-"

Waving him off again, Jim urgently rose to stand, knocking the coffee table between them, causing the chess pieces to fall over and scatter. As he rushed to the door, Spock rose to his feet, his reaction delayed by the shock of his Captain's confession.

Reaching out to press the button to open the door, Jim was startled as a hand circled his wrist, stopping him just before his goal.

"Jim," Spock began, his gaze fixed on the blonde, who was staring at his own wrist.

"Damn Vulcan speed," Jim muttered to himself, his eyebrows furrowing anxiously.

"What you said-"

"Was a mistake," Jim interrupted, shaking his head. "I didn't mean it."

"Jim," Spock spoke softly, gulping minutely, his self control willingly dissolving. "I know when you're lying."

At that, cerulean snapped up to meet chocolate.

"You're wrong," Jim tried to correct. "I-"

"I saw your nightmare," Spock abruptly interrupted, his grip on the other's wrist loosening but not releasing. "I felt your fear at the possibility of being too late to save me from the volcano's eruption."

As Jim remained silent, Spock continued.

"I felt your relief, Jim," blonde lashes fluttered, encasing cerulean for a few moments, as he breathed deeply. "I felt your love."

As Spock brought his knuckle to the blonde's temple to brush a stray lock of hair to the side, his lashes fluttered open revealing an ocean of emotion, most prominently anxious affection. Taking a cautious step forward, Spock brought them closer together

"I know why you could not allow me to die," Spock whispered.

"Why?" Jim whispered, a blissful smile beginning to blossom on his face, while his eyes fluttered shut once more.

"Because you love me," Spock whispered in reply, as Jim hummed in confirmation, finally accepting that his feelings were bare before him. "And because you cannot imagine a life without me, as I cannot without you."

And as cerulean eyes opened to meet chocolate ones, the rest of the world faded away, not just to a blur but to non-existance. And as their lips met, it felt right.

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	14. Epilogue

**I do not own Star Trek.**

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Beautiful, side by side, they collided and merged in to a supernova of blue and gold. And as cerulean eyes met chocolate ones, their intense love and happiness was unmistakable, causing respective smiles to blossom upon both of their faces.

After several moments of gazing at one another, they turned their attention to their crew, and the view screen in front of them. Shoulder-to-shoulder, ready to face anything the universe may hold.

 _Space: the final frontier._

 _These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise._

 _It's five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds._

 _To seek out new life and new civilizations._

 _To boldly go where no man has gone before._

 ** _Together_.**

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 **Thank you for reading! Please review.**


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